From Baby to Toddler

not my baby anymore

My son finally started walking over the Easter Bank Holiday weekend. I say finally as he is 16 months old, which in comparison to my daughter who walked at 10/11 months, is a considerable difference. I am overjoyed that he is finally able to toddle after his big sister and all of her friends.

For quite some time, I have felt an immense pressure for him to be walking. As much as we like to state we shouldn’t compare, we all do it. When people would coo and ask how old he was, I would reply with his age, then cringe as they would look curiously at him. Maybe they were wondering how he could still be so small?

At times I would feel like it was my fault. He wasn’t walking because I hardly ever gave him the opportunity to walk. He would always be sleeping, or in his pram, the carrier or being fed in a high chair. Maybe he was delayed because of his early birthΒ or maybe he didn’t receive enough nutrients due to my HG pregnancy. He crawled perfectly fine, and although part of me knew he would do it when he was ready,Β I still felt like it was my fault.

However, now that he is walking, I feel sad.

I feel sad that my final baby is now a toddler.

I feel sad that I will never have a baby again.

My husband got the snip when our son was 8 weeks old. We came to this decision whilst I was still pregnant, however due to my superstitious mind, I didn’t want to jinx anything. Once we discovered how awful my pregnancy was in comparison to my first, we could only assume each further pregnancy would be worse. This was not something we were willing to risk.Β In addition, knowing how the pregnancy had by then affected my mental health, confirmed our decision.

However, I sometimes feel bitter that the decision was really taken out of our hands. It wasn’t because we didn’t want more children, but rather that we couldn’tΒ have more children. The possible dangers to my health, physically as well as mentally, were just not worth the risk.

I think this put extra pressure on my perfectionism. I knew this baby was our last, meaning I wanted everything to be just right. I wanted to experience everything I had learnt from my daughter to bring up the perfect child. I can see myself now, I was determined we’d sleep in the ‘family bed’ and I would tandem baby wear, as well as tandem breastfeed. At least I got one out of three!

I don’t really remember the first six months of my son’s life. Only the bad times. I look back through Instagram and Facebook and just feel disconnection. Obviously I was physically there, but I don’t remember being there. The happy smiles, the captions full of happy emoticons, constantly trying to assure everyone in my social media world that I was coping just fine.

I became obsessive.

Paranoid that everyone would be checking my Instagram and Facebook, that if I didn’t post regular photos of my son, they would know the truth.

They would know we weren’t connecting.

But we’re getting closer every day.

He first walked for me. Just me.

My husband and daughter were downstairs, and he just did it. Once I calmed down and everyone came to have a look, he was soon walking around the room like he had been walking for months!

He has been so proud of himself, and I am so proud of him.

It’s as if he knows that him walking puts a smile on my face, he seems to always do it at the right time, rushing to give me the biggest squeeze possible.

He’s not my baby anymore, he’s my toddler.

And I think I love him.

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13 Comments

  1. Aww, this is such a bittersweet post and moment in time! My baby is our last one too and I’m torn between wanting him to walk as he’s taking longer than his brother and yet wanting him to stay a baby at the same time! It’s a big change in motherhood when they go from baby to toddler.

    Have scheduled to share this on my twitter too as it was a heartfelt post.

    Hope you are having a fantastic week πŸ™‚

    Away From The Blue Blog

  2. It is so easy to compare children but they all develop at their own stage, he is now going to be running you ragged πŸ˜‰ #kcacols

  3. My son started walking at Easter too, it’s sad to think they’re not babies anymore πŸ™ #triumphanttales

  4. My sons approaching 1 years old and he has taken a few steps here and there with encouragement but hasn’t independently started on his own #KCACOLS

  5. This is just so honest and so beautiful πŸ™‚ I’m glad that things got better for you as he got a little older. He’s still your baby though, with so so many firsts still to go. My 3rd son also walked at 16 months – I knew he’d walk at some point, but I must admit, I couldn’t wait! And now I miss the days I could carry him in my stretchy wrap so badly! I’d still carry him in my toddler carrier, which I bought to be able to carry him during the school run until he’s 3, but he doesn’t want to!!! Aaargh! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope to see you again next time!

  6. Mine was 18 months before he walked – but he was a chatterbox very early! They all do things when they are ready. They grow so fast, I’m still trying to work out how I have got an almost 4.5 year old. Thanks for linking up to #TriuphantTales, please do come back next week.

  7. Beautiful post – well done to your lovely boy. My youngest is 4 months and already I feel that the time is going so fast – he is my last also and although it makes me sad I am determined to enjoy him as much as possible. #humpdaylinky

  8. aww congratulations! Im completely with you on the pressures of milestones. Ben is a year old later this month and is yet to crawl, however took a few steps the other day and is adamant he will only move holding out hands! each kid is different and we all just need to remember this!
    Thank you for joining us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back tomorrow.

  9. Ah I love this post – it is definitely hard not to compare – that said I’m in no rush for Neve to develop as she’s my last baby, every thing she does is the last time! πŸ˜₯ #HumpDayLinky

  10. Great post!
    Boys are often slower to walk than girls. certainly in my experience.
    it is very emotional, its likely my now toddler (sob) 13 months (he’s still only taking 5 or 6 steps but he’s getting much more confident) will be my last and you do hang onto things a bit more I think.
    #KCACOLS

  11. I know the feeling of losing your baby for the toddler times! My son has started walking and I feel like I need another baby that doesn’t move haha #KCACOLS