We went away for our wedding anniversary this weekend and had a fantastic time.
We ate lots of food, drank lots of wine and caught up.
It seems silly to say we caught up when we spend a good chunk of our lives together. But it seems to be a different type of ‘together’ when the children are around. Even when they are in bed we spend more time playing on our phones or sitting in silence whilst watching some crap on the telly.
We chat over dinner, ask each other how our days have been. We talk about the children, make plans for the week, organise our lives. We don’t actually have a good conversation that often.
And it was so great to actually have an adult conversation.
I think as parents, and more specifically mothers. We sometimes put all of our focus on our children and we forget that one day, those little people will become big people.
They won’t need us anymore.
Yes, they will still visit, but they will have their own lives, and maybe even their own little families.
And then what?
And then we will be left, just the two of us.
We need to focus on our relationship, and not completely focus on the children, to ensure it lasts past their childhood.
To love each other separately from the children.
So when they grow, our love can continue to grow too.
To remember why we do this all.
Why we got married and had children together in the first place.
We love each other, but we actually quite like each other too.
We laughed and joked. We had fun.
And I forgot.
I forgot about the sadness I feel when he is at work. When I’m alone with the children.
I forgot about the frustration, the anger…the depression.
And I didn’t miss them. I feel awful saying that. But I didn’t.
And it felt great.
I felt like someone other than a mother.
I felt weightless.
I came home and gave my babies cuddles.
Their laughter and joy at seeing me again lit my heart, and I was glad to be home.
I felt love and I felt loved.
And it’s given me hope, that one day…
Maybe not today, but one day…
I will get better.